Today I had a huge softening of the heart for my mom. Something powerful shifted in me as I saw her as a flawed, imperfect yet powerful woman for the first time. I saw her vulnerability, which showed me her strength. For years I thought she was perfect, I idolized her, I needed her approval, did anything for her love and was like a bottomless pit seeking all the love I could find.
Today she had a conversation with my life coach. She started off like a jittery schoolgirl, sweating, nervously giggling and being a little hyper, forgetting her own name and laughing out loud at herself. It was very endearing. An hour later she emerged calm and content with a newfound desire to practice self-love, to speak kindly of herself, to herself, and out loud and to be fearless expressing her opinion. Coaching changed how she felt about herself, it empowered her and opened her up to possibility thinking. It was wonderful to see her get that gift. She said “my mother and father never ‘gave me’ self-love, my teachers never gave me self-love and no one showed me how so it never happened”. Then it hit me… the start of the word and oh so important “self-love” is SELF… no one is supposed to teach us, show us, or do it for us… it is our SELF. A completely inside job. Of course, I had the “I know this already” going on in my head as we all know so much but there are times when it sinks a few levels deeper and this was one of those clear ‘aha’ moments. When I heard her say it – it was like shining lights and angels were singing all around and I really GOT it.
I had so much respect for my mother in that moment. She was everything I had always wanted her to be. I felt proud and sad for her all together sitting on my couch, eyes sparkling with possibility. She is a self-proclaimed hard worker, forgiver and kindhearted person with the world of possibility that she was sitting on and never believed it. She has been like a beautiful bird meant to soar to great heights but has had her wings clipped. I then thought of how brilliant and amazing my kids are and of course would always jokingly take full credit, but right there in her sparkly moment I knew where it came from, the intensity, the brilliance, the genius, the hard work ethic, the kindness and gentleness of spirit, the fun, laughter and energy…. All of that is a gift from my mom she never even knew she gave. In figuring all of this out, in that instant of clarity, I found freedom. I found my power to access my own self-love on the inspiration of my mother’s determination to unleash hers. She finally had permission to love herself and in doing so she also gave me permission.